How could you so lightly leave
As morning wanes and passes,
So soft and swiftly that the dew
Still lay upon the grasses?
I could not think it a light thing,
Your shadow passing over,
And still so chill a bumblebee
Left standing still the clover.
Were you ever anything
That you had seemed to be?
A living shade tricked into life
As you slid from tree to tree?
I should, perhaps, myself be shamed
At my own dull surprise.
I myself walked toward the light
That dazzled in my eyes.
This one is my favorite, Carrie! Here are a few ideas:
ReplyDeleteHow about changing "As you slid from tree to tree" to "That slid from tree to tree" or something with the same amount of sylables... I think the line you have is too long.
Also, I love the line about the bumblebee and the clover, but using "still" twice in a row seems to detract...
You are right about two stills so close together. I thought of replacing the faulty line with "had not disturbed the clover". I also think your suggestion about too many syllables is correct. I had wanted to retain the sense of personal immediacy the word "you" provides, but as it does mess up the stresses perhaps to say simply "that" is sufficient, especially as "you" is used two times earlier in the same verse.
ReplyDeleteI like it! The only suggestions that I had were already voiced by Charissa.
ReplyDelete